MAN ABOUT TOWN
Sydney's Centennial Park: Natural habitat of the homosexual. Photo: Wolter Peeters
Firstly, welcome.
You have just arrived at the pleasure dome of the southern hemisphere. You're going to have a lot of fun, but first, I think a few helpful tips are in order. A ''lay of the land'' if you will. Sydney, like all great cities, has its beauties but also its dangers. Allow me to guide you through some of our most celebrated and notorious suburbs.
Bondi: A quaint fishing village inhabited by a nudist cargo cult. On weekdays, during the warmer months, you will see this cult praying, naked, on the white sands to a sun god they call ''Steve Jobs''. They hold apples in the air in the belief a magical cloud above holds all human thought. Access to Bondi is only via primitive ''fixed wheel'' bicycle, and clothes are to be left at nearby Bondi Junction, where a large organic farm known as ''Westfield'' is open all day.
Paddington/Woollahra: While in close proximity to Bondi, the difference couldn't be more stark. These notorious suburbs are known to have the highest human consumption of cocaine outside of Colombia. The residents have their own drug-culture patois, which to an outsider can be indecipherable. They will talk of ''imports and exports'', being involved in ''shipping'', ''stocks'', ''bonds'' and the ''AFR'' (a local drug-culture fanzine written in code). Do not engage with these people: you may end up in a ''bottom of the harbour scheme'', a place you don't want to be.
Centennial Park: This was, by decree in 1901, declared a homosexual reserve. Or as Sir Henry Parkes put it at the time (which is on a plaque within the park) ''La place de l'homosexuel''. The homosexual community, which is, presently 72 per cent of the population according to the last census, are often seen in the park, enjoying all that the colourful community has to offer, whether it be macrame classes, bear hunting or the amazing dances that have evolved over the years. The park, dedicated to Frederico Nile, a missionary explorer of the 19th century, is bristling with youthful energy. A must-see.
Seven Hills: While a short cab ride from the CBD, don't be fooled by its benign name, which recalls the ''seven hills of Rome''. This suburb is home to the ''Aryan Brotherhood'' and various other extreme right-wing organisations. Skinheads in light brown chinos and blue shirts roam the streets in packs looking for outsiders or new recruits. Their clubhouses are large and often have up to three garages, some of which contain tanks. They have satellite dishes on their roofs, as contact with international ''fellow travellers'' is essential. Thankfully, they rarely leave the suburb, as they are jacked up on cheap coffee which they refer to as ''Christian crack''.
Kirribilli: The site of Australia's first abattoir. Located in a quite pleasant location, it sadly still retains an odour of decay. Residents at the historic site rarely last more than a few years. Tours of the house are conducted regularly. To gain entrance, just repeatedly buzz at the front gate (don't be put off by the delay, it's a popular place!) and one of the many helpful staff will guide you where to go.
North Sydney: Just over the Sydney Harbour Bridge (which, you may be interested to know, is made entirely of fossilised pasta painted grey) lies the natural wonderland that is North Sydney National Park. Much of Australia's native flora and fauna reside here, including not just kangaroos, but also badgers, armadillos, moose and the three-toed sloth. If visiting remember, wi-fi is unavailable.
Palm Beach: A quick five-minute cab ride from the airport, Palm Beach is best known as the location for the popular TV show Neighbours. Tours more than welcome and they are always keen for ''extras''. Who knows, you might be in the show! Lots of fun, particularly for our British friends.
Lakemba: Home of the Australian Bushmen Hall of Fame. If you'd like a taste of all things ''outback'', head out to Lakemba, where you'll see sheep shearing, the famous ''Lakemba round-up'', get to boil a billy on a camp fire and sing bush ballads from days of yore. Be sure to take an Australian flag to wave, as the locals consider this a traditional greeting.
Cronulla: A small island (and sovereign state) just south of Sydney, home to a large tribe of Scandinavian settlers, who, arriving in 1742, built a walled fortress, which they have defended using ancient clubs known as ''Scotties''. Visitors are only permitted after a lengthy screening process. EU passports a must.
King's Cross: Home to a large swathe of Sydney's elderly. Bingo halls and lawn bowls are popular, as are the natural mineral spas that surround this spectacular suburb. Be sure to visit the Zen Peace Gardens for some quiet reflective time.
Mosman: If the ''racier'' side of life appeals, this is the suburb for you. Don't be fooled by its appearance, this is ''where the action is''. You may be accosted by ''ladies of the night'' and colourful locals selling their wares in this somewhat notorious suburb. Most bars and restaurants contain serving staff known as ''skimpies''. For a few dollars, who knows what they'll do!
And that's it. Most of all, have fun. Don't forget, taxis are free in Sydney, so take advantage!
Twitter: @rhysam
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