THE FITZ FILES ... THE BEST OF THE SUMMER
Illustration:Shakespeare
HI. But enough chit-chat. Take what Novak Djokovic said about Lance Armstrong, just after the Oprah interview. Tell 'em, Novak: ''I think it's a disgrace for the sport to have an athlete like this. He cheated the sport. He cheated many people around the world with his career, with his life story. I think he should suffer for his lies all these years.'' Exactly. And thank you for saying what needed to be said. But here's the question: Why is it a tennis player, alone, saying this about a cheat in another sport? Where are the contemporary cycling champions saying the same thing but even louder?
There are any number of former champions, most of them acknowledged cheats themselves, decrying Lance. But what of the current crop? This bloke cheated you out of all those Tours de France, and you haven't said a WORD?
Where are you, for example, Cadel Evans? I do accept your own many achievements are drug-free but why the silence? Not even a mention on your Twitter account, about the most significant cycling news since forever? Why the uncomfortable silence from all you blokes?
IMPROVEMENT AHOY
The Sydney to Hobart yacht race? Pretty ho-hum, wasn't it? I mean, five weeks later do you even remember who won? Or care? Me, neither. If it wasn't for the great tradition of it, none but the yachties would care. So here's the idea to revitalise it, from a Fitzphile, Dean Gibson. What about a handicap race, whereby - instead of some complex equation that most of us can't work out, to determine who won - the handicap comes down to extra distance. That is, next year, all the yachts start as usual on a sparkling Boxing Day - chances are it will be 47 degrees - and the cameras roll for maximum media exposure. But this time, outside the Heads, the fastest boats with the biggest sails turn north and head up the coast first! Depending on how fast they are they must first round a buoy at Pittwater, Gosford, Newcastle or thereabouts and then set sail for Hobart. That way, there would be real interest as to who is in front at any time, and you do away with the whole line-honours nonsense. It would be a race like the Melbourne Cup - where of course the handicap is weight, but at least no one has to get out a calculator to work out who has won. What do you think?
GOODBYE HOLLEH
Love this. Over the summer, the English Premiership rugby club Sale Sharks dismissed their social media executive after she expressed her true feelings about the club's supporters on her Facebook page. Tell them what you said, Holleh Nowrouz: ''Oh, the joys of managing a sport club's social media when we've lost the last seven Premiership home games. To the Sale Sharks fans who comment about the club needing to spend less time blogging and tweeting and more time coaching, the staff who create content for the website and social media platforms are not the same members of staff who coach the team. You absolute f---wits.'' I think she sounds sincere!
MONEY FOR JAM
Bravo to the ''Jamboys'' Rugby X, who will be playing in this weekend's Bangkok 10s competition. Led by that likely lad Chris Doherty from Wagga Wagga and boasting a sprinkling of internationals such as Bobby Skinstad, Robbie Fleck, Breyton Paulse from the Springboks, Matt Phillips from Italy, James Kibble of Hong Kong, Willie Lose of Tonga and Will Brock from the Australian Sevens team, the side is devoted to raising awareness of the plight of Jamboys throughout Asia and Africa where they are employed on golf courses to keep flies away from golfers as they play their shot. The Jamboy will spread jam (usually but not always strawberry) on his head and stand a few feet behind the golfer as he swings in order to attract the flies away from the golfer and on to the Jamboy. Tough gig. We must support the team representing them, on principle!
SMALL WORLD
Over the break a Queenslander by the name of Dave McPhillips was invited to attend a black-tie wedding at Palm Beach. But, wouldn't you bloody know it? When he arrives at Sydney Airport he realises he's left his suit pants at home! And the wedding is in 90 minutes. Quickly picking up his hire car, the whole way from Mascot to the Northern Beaches he looks out for a shop that hires or sells formal pants, only to find diddly-squat. He is all the way to Avalon, and completely desperate when he spies an older bloke, around about his size, mowing his front lawn. It is time to play his last card. Pulling over, he explains his situation, and that he has only 15 minutes to spare.
''Hmmm. What did you say your name was?''
''Dave McPhillips.''
''Any relation to the McPhillips who played outside-centre for Queensland in '62-'63?''
''My uncle!''
''I was his inside-centre.''
And, by the way, of course he can have the pants regardless of the rugby connection. And they fit like a glove. Dave rushes off to make the wedding just in time, and everyone lives happily ever after, including the beautiful bride who walks down the aisle, untroubled by any dickhead in the back row wearing jeans on the formal occasion which is her big day.
Gotta love this city!
WHAT THEY SAID
A caller on ABC Radio has a kind word: ''[Lance] Armstrong should be congratulated for riding a bike on drugs. I tried it once, hit a dog, and fell into a canal.''
Armstrong to Oprah Winfrey: ''I told Betsy Andreu, 'Listen, I called you ''crazy'', I called you ''a bitch,'' but I never called you fat.' She has said I called her a 'fat, crazy bitch'.'' Thank Gawd we got that cleared up!
Oprah: ''Is it humanly possible to win the Tour de France without doping seven times in a row?''
Armstrong: ''Not in my opinion.''
TFF: (It's taken years, but at last I cry ''BINGO!'')
Did Armstrong think he cheated? ''No. [One day] I went in and I just looked up the definition of 'cheat'. And the definition of cheat is to gain an advantage on a rival or foe, you know, that they don't have or that they - you know, I didn't do it that way. I viewed it as a level playing field.'' The mind boggles!
New NRL boss Dave Smith will fit right in judging by his Michael Clarke nomination: ''You won't be hearing everything from Dave Smith, but I will be there when it matters.''
Bill Lawry recalls his first meeting with Tony Greig: ''He said to me: 'Aren't you the captain of Australia that lost 4-0 against South Africa?' I said: 'Yes I am, and aren't you the captain that gave up the captaincy of England for money?' From that moment on we were good friends.''
Paul Wood after rupturing a testicle in the Super League grand final for Warrington Wolves, and playing on: ''It was good for rugby league.''
There is a lot of it about. For this was the headline of the summer: ''Professional rugby player who lost testicle during match leaves wife and children for porn star ex of Mario Balotelli.''
Australian wicketkeeper Matthew Wade engages in that rarest of beasts, a reference to himself in the third person PLURAL: ''It's going to be a lot more expectation on the younger top order. Pup's doing everything he can do, scoring a truckload more runs. It's up to the Warners, Cowans, Wades, Hugheses, all the guys in that top six or seven who have to pick up the slack.''
Queenslander John Millman won a set off Andy Murray in the Brisbane International. Asked if the experience was everything he dreamed it would be: ''In my dream I won.''
Sloane Stephens on defeating the woman who used to be a poster on her bedroom wall, Serena Williams, at the Australian Open: ''This is so crazy. I think I'll put a poster of myself up now.''
Michael Hussey at the end of the victorious third Test against Sri Lanka: ''One more song to sing, can't wait.''
Seven commentator after Roger Federer's on-court interview with Jim Courier following his defeat of Bernard Tomic: ''There you go ladies and gentlemen, Roger Federer, one of the few men in the world who can live vicariously through himself.''
TEAM OF THE WEEK
Bernard Tomic. Despite losing to Roger Federer in the third round of the Australian Open, had a great summer of tennis, and the year beckons big.
Pat Rafter. Whatever he said to Bernard Tomic late last year, in their "full and frank discussion", when the Davis Cup captain dropped him from the squad, does not appear to have hurt him …
Michael Hussey. Mr Cricket hung up the bat, surprising many. Rumours were that his sudden retirement followed a bad falling-out with Michael Clarke.
Michael Clarke. Had a great summer, seeming to score centuries and even double-centuries at will.
Bill Pulver. New head of the ARU. TFF had several cups of tea with him the other day, and, whatever else, it is clear he will hit the role, starting Monday, with a great deal of energy and fresh thought.
Kumar Sangakkara. The former Sri Lankan cricket captain was guest speaker at the LBW Trust Dinner on Australia Day eve and received a standing ovation for the brilliance of his address.
Nick Kyrgios and Thanasi Kokkinakis. The Australian juniors contested the Australian Open boys final with Kyrgios emerging victorious. Two to watch.
Sydney FC. The women are showing up their male counterparts, winning the W-League grand final.
Novak Djokovic. Wins third straight Australian Open and has now won no fewer than six grand slams.
Bigger, Better, Redder. The world's first rugby team made up exclusively of rangas, as in redheads, compete in the Bondi 10s again this year, and will give it a "red hot go".
Anton Smirnov. The 11-year-old Sydneysider won the Australian Masters chess tournament, making him the top ranked player for his age in the world.
RIP. Nancy Burley. Died age 82. She was Australia's first female Winter Olympian - at Oslo in 1952.
RIP. Tony Greig, 1946-2012. The South African-born England cricket captain and mainstay of Channel Nine's commentary team, passed away over Christmas. Vale.
Twitter - @Peter_Fitz
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